Do you like this story that I am writing? It's just the beginning.?
Posted: December 21st, 2010 | Author: admin | Filed under: Questions | Tags: actress, audience, cute guys, freak, gossip, intelligence, jacob, joke, laughingstock, love story, lunch, maya, minion, perfect girl, plastic knife, robert pattinson, rocks, stupidity, twilight, wit | 4 Comments »It all started as a joke.
Everyday at lunch she would get up from the table, grab a plastic knife from a small container, and start cutting her wrists, encouraging the three of us to laugh with her, make fun of her stupidity. I was worried, but too afraid to stand up to our group’s nonofficial leader to rebel against what we were laughing about. Luckily, I had enough intelligence to realize if I had one more slip-up, everyone would kick me out of our posse. I was too afraid a year ago. I was too worn down from people stepping all over me to fight back. I was just a background idiot in my friends’ lives, just another person trying to blend in with everyone else. Well, back to the knife incidents. Whenever her wrist started bleeding, she would start fake crying. “Acting,” she called it. “Just in case this will ever fit a role for me in a couple years. It’s for the audience. Everything is.” It was so believable only because she was the actress, the singer, the perfect girl in everyone’s minds, but really, as I would soon learn, she wasn’t as perfect as she played it out to seem like.
“So, I’ve heard so much gossip about Twilight. It’s, like, the best movie of all time. I mean, Robert Pattinson is starring in it, and it’s all about cute guys like Edward and Jacob; I’m on team Edward of course. Anyway, it’s a love story and Bella rocks!” Gabby babbled. She could talk about silly Twilight and not be killed by Mairead, the depressed freak while one negative comment on the series from me and I would be the laughingstock of the whole school in less than ten minutes. Maya and Gabby had freedom, they deserved to be in the group as Mairead saw it, while my intelligence never got me anywhere in life. I just sat around like nothing waiting for Mairead to live out my life for me. She took total charge of my life and clearly went out of her way to make sure I turned out to be her little minion as Maya and Gabby seemed to be becoming. They were fine with it while I urged to be my own person. It was harder than it seemed and I felt like nobody understood what was going on in my complicated life I wasn’t living like I wanted to. That lunchtime was the longest half hour of my life, or so it seemed.
Immediately after lunch I caught up with my best guy friend, Nicky, in the hall and we started chatting up a storm. Of course, I couldn’t go on babbling about all my issues, which everyone knew about to a guy, but he still talked and we laughed a lot.
“Sue, I have a major problem that I need your help with,” Nicky began, “Liam stole my Fruit by the Foot joke strip so you’ll need to use your devious ways to get it back in less than twenty minutes so I can show it to Alex and Noah.” I rolled my eyes and grinned, nodding in agreement and developed a quick strategy to get it back. Finally, some fun to last me until tomorrow’s lunch period and troubles which would undoubtedly come with it.
“I need your help, Nate’s, and possibly Noah Holland’s. I might have a plan,” I said.
“You might!?” he yelled.
“Okay, I have a plan!” I shouted back. He grinned and we set off on a quest with Nate and Noah. Noah Holland began bugging Liam and trying to lick his ear and grab at his ankles to become an annoying distraction while Nate and Nick pretended to drag Noah away. The Fruit by the Foot joke strip was hanging out of Liam’s back pocket so I tiptoed up behind Liam and grabbed it, running away, beckoning Nate, Nick, and Noah Holland to come with me. Nick ran off to find Noah W. and Alex while I just hung out with Nate and Noah H. for a while during study hall for forty minutes of relaxation and freedom.
This is partly based off of real life, but I changed some names and events.
The part about the Fruit by the Foot made it seem like we’re talking about elementary school students here. And really, how the character seems to be having fun at the end makes the whole first part a contradiction.
I personally think this would be better if written in 3rd person (‘he and ‘she’ instead of ‘I’ and ‘me’). This would give us a better sense of what’s going on.
There also seem to be too many names — I got confused with all of them. Maybe try to change the scene to not include so many people. Don’t be afraid to change what happened in real life in a story — it’s not like anyone you know is going to read it, and if they do…who cares? Believe me, don’t stick to real life — it usually gets boring, since our lives are normally day-to-day things and not very exciting.
And, with the formatting, it would help if you put two line breaks between paragraphs instead of just one, like how I’ve organized this reply. (I don’t know if it was originally formatted with indents or not, sites like this tend to mess up formatting, so you may completely ignore that comment if I’m wrong.)
Other than that, I think you have writing potential. If you’re really serious about writing a story, I would suggest getting someone unbiased to look over it for you (that means not your friends or your family!), like an editor, if you know what I mean. I would actually be happy to do that for you, if you would like. Feel free to email me at tsukiyomimelanie@yahoo.com. And don’t be shy, I welcome you with open arms if you would like some constructive criticism on your work!
It’s somewhat unrealistic. Hollywoodized version of school. And Twilight is still too new and popular to be in a fiction story. Plus, it’s kind of confusing and hard too follow. It doesn’t really grab my attention and sounds like it was written out of depression and self-pity.
It’s good, but there are far to many names in it for only the first bit. I kind of got confused around the Noah W. and the Noah H. bit, but otherwise – good.
It isn’t all that bad but honestly, it is kinda boring and I agree with the self pity comment. The Twilight mention is still new and popular but in my view it adds to some sense of realism. It isn’t bad but you might want to redo the last bit because you threw too many names too quickly and I get that it’s your life but keep in mind that no one else really knows what you’re talking about.
The first bit with the plastic knife was good. It had the potential to be a ‘read on’ piece. Build on that.
All in all not a bad try. Keep writing though. There’s potential with practice!
Hope this helped.