I have been a 'mom' to my step son since he was 4yrs old-now he just hates me?
Posted: February 8th, 2011 | Author: admin | Filed under: Questions | Tags: amp, bookbag, dad, guidance, ins, job, jobs, knife collection, library books, living space, maniac, mom, pig, shingles, sickens, stab, stepson | 6 Comments »I’ve known this child since he was 2, been with Dad since he was 4. His mom is a drunk never seems him.Its been me, Dad, stepson & my 2 daughters we had 1 more together, I’ve watched dysfunction between dad & him for years. I’ve stepped in & told dad you cant talk rather scream like a maniac to a child like that. It continued for years, its become less but still exists. At 7 he threatened to stab me. Nothing got done. I suggested to his dad that he throw his knife collection in a box til he moves out. Nothing. I’ve worked, had medical ins on him, taken him to Dr’s, taken him to school. Begged his dad to go through his bookbag-Dad felt it was private-sorry but in 2nd grade a parent needs to look in the bag. Papers or library books would be lost forever-no punishment, no guidance on how to be organized. My one daughter is in the same grade as he is.Knowing what needed to be done nightly didnt change that. This child is a pig has far as his living space goes. I’ve cleaned it myself, asked him to clean it, explained why its important to be clean, etc. I never raised my voice to him at all! If I were pissed about the room I’d go to his dad & show him, he’d shake his head & tell him to clean it up. He’d disappear into the room, go to bed, next day look in & nothing changed. This has gone on for years! I’ve never made this kid wait on me for anything. I’ve defended him with his father. Tried to get his father to talk not scream. His dad will tell me that the boy paints this picture to me of poor, poor him & that I dont realize whats going on. The boy-who is now 16-talks so much BS about his Dad its sickens me. They work together, then the boy quits, then they work together, etc. Its ridiculous. For the last 5 years I havent worked-technically. I’ve found big jobs and little that the father has doen. I even got a roof job-I picked up an employee, drove there & tore off & put shingles back on–never got paid. Which to me was fine as long as the bills were paid & there was food. Then a big warehouse job–5 people put money in their pockets just in time for Christmas–told I’d get 00.00 for getting the job. Never saw that, knew I wouldnt…not the point. The point is this kid tells me I should be grateful I’m home and I’m nothing but miserable to everyone in the house. I still work, just by advertising via the computer. I still bring money in. Still not the point. Yesterday this little SOB got caught bad mouthing his Dad again–we are not talking nice words at all. Somehow it got turned onto me–I blame them for not being able to write-taking a course, need to write short stories. Its gotten to the point that when I ask a simple question, calmly and should no way piss anyone off—I’m accused of starting a fight. Example-Dad bought a motorcycle, put it in my name, insurance is in his name, yesterday I asked dont I have to be on the policy too or how does that work because I know if there isnt insurance on it they can suspend the registration for 3 months. That’s it. I’m not going to sugar coat this because I really want to know honest opinions. That stupid questioned turned into me pissing off his dad and we had work to do–which they left & did–I rarely go out with friends, we’ve had car issues most of the summer, I’ve said straight up I’m getting cranky by being here all of the time, feel like I’m on house-arrest. But when I ask anyone anything I do my best to ask calmly—I’ve my own kids to think about. I dont want chaos or arguing or teaching them to communicate like the father and son do. I asked for some help from the 2 older ones and get more from my 7 yr old. The 16 yr olds–I get these are the teen yrs–but to scream the things he did at me yesterday, how he hates me, dont do a f-ing thing for me anymore, you’re f-ing crazy, you blame us for not being able to write, you this and that–all ugly—and especially with him knowing nothing about what his father and I do to take care of these kids. The 16 yr olds dont have chores. I’ve given them to them but they dont follow through. Dad’s excuse for his son is that he helps him so much–which is a whole other story-but my 16 yr old will do whatever I ask when I ask. I tell the kids & Dad that I am trying to teach them how to be adults because at this point reality is going to kick their butts. I feel like a tree in the desert standing all alone for as much as I am listened to. Then to be insulted when I’ve dropped whatever, whenever to do what they need…& 10yr later his son’s bedroom smells like a dog’s butt! This boy has had normal calm conversations with me all of the time. Tells his friends I’m his real mom, how cool I am. Then has stabbed me in the back because he got busted–twice. He stayed at his older sisters house last night. I honestly dont want his 2 faced negativity in my house. great he helps his dad. He doesnt do anything I a
What am I to do? My mom gives me great advice. But I dont want to worry her with this. I have a bro-in-law with cancer & a sister trying to keep her sanity. What am I to do at this point?
Unfortunately, this is the life of a step-parent.
If your husband can’t change him, and neither can you, then your only option is to put up with it or just leave.
That was waaaaay too much to read. However, your question is simple enough.– That’s life. My mom raised 5 children who were from my dad’s 1st marriage and only one of them appreciated it. We never appreciate our parents until we walk in their shoes and even then some people are too vain to admit their parents did right. Sometimes you have to let folks learn their own lessons. You warn them of troubles you see coming and then let them walk their own path then say I told you so. That’s all you can do especially being step mom. People understand when step kids turn out bad that it’s not step mom’s fault, really they do. So just do the best you can, don’t get gray over it and put yours and your kids lives in the hands of God. I was step mom to my sister’s kid and her kid as well (grandniece). Once she used my love up she started to show me her ass all the time. Now we’re not even close anymore. It’s not worth it in the long run cause they are usually ungrateful and uncaring in the end. They want to tell you how you really didn’t do much for them and twist the truth to find fault with you.
talk to the father! this boy is just cross at you because you care and his real mom doesn’t. ask his dad to call a meeting with just the three of you.tell his dad this is urgent! tell your stepson you were here and raised him and whether he likes it or not you are here to discipline him and you may not be his real mom but thats no reason for him to treat you like dirt. tell the dad some rules are going to be set whether the dad likes it or not and set them!and just because his big now doesn’t mean you are not responsible for him anymore.you are much older than him and he still has to listen to you because you are his legal guardian too.
leave the boy alone. As his father your husband does not bother .Also he is 16 years, how long do you think he is going to stay be patient you know no child what so ever can give his mothers place to any other woman. You have tolerated him all this years few more and he will be on his own than please wait patiently.And as for his room you can’t help much all the boys are untidy specially their rooms.If you clean it also he is gonna blame you for misplacing his things so do not bother only if it stinks let his father handle this.
You know this kid since he was 2 and start living with him when he was 4.He was so young when he was out of his mom’s side and that early loss was in great effect of how he was being raised.His mom is still alive yet incapable of raising him and we all know that we, as children, find only comfort in our mother’s cradle.You are trying to be a mother to him but it is so messy and hard to explain but digging more deeper,in the house where you are with him now,he has the feeling of insecurity and inferiority as i can say because you have kids too with you and putting them together is not really a good idea because this boy is a kind of kid that needs focus or attention.There is a competition between him and your kids and that truth that makes him realize that he really don’t belong and that feeling makes him delinquent.I know how hard it is for you since you are trying to help him.But the problem now is you find him 2-faced.Being 2 faced is not a revenge against you but it is his way to get attention and affection from other people.What we can do now is just understand him.And if he talks so much about his dad,take time to listen to a poor heart.He is a sad guy looking for his mom’s care,love and attention.His way of talking so much serves as a defense mechanism and that makes him comfortable,taking him out of the real case or situation.You are a mother with kids,too.I hope you will understand and i suggest that if it is still possible that you can maintain the communication within the house,talk to him with a heart-to-heart talk.No matter how hard the heart this kid have now,it will be soften by your soft words.Do it with a heart and unconditional love because he is really misguided.You did it once.I believe you can do it again…to be a mother to him.Good luck and God bless!
You don’t need to be their friend. You need to be their parent. And if you let them walk all over you, they will.
This kid needed some boundaries a long time ago and got none. And he is also pissed his mom is a jerk. None of this is his fault. He is the product of 2 bio parents that just didn’t do a very good job. That isn’t your fault. His dad spoiled him out of guilt. Spare the rod, spoil the child.
He needs some real tough love real fast or he will only get worse. But what he really needs is a place that he feels he belongs and will always be his home.