I need the old me back but IKD how. So… how?

IDK why but I wrote my lifes history. Literally. I don’t want to have wasted that time so Im posting it. Just skip down to the end paragraph for the point of it.

I have always been the freak of nature. weird. hated by everyone, even my family. My entire life. I remember kids making fun of me when I was little for no reason at all. My dad making me stay in my room without dinner a lot. I ate hamster food those nights and my "dad and brother" Laughed. I was hungry and that was all I had. I never had friends other than one. I was laughed at cause I was friends with a girl. middle school came and It got worse. I was the reject within the rejects. IDK why I hung out with them. They and everybody else hated me. I was shoved in a box and called sexual homophobic things once. kicked. beaten down often. I didn’t fit in any pictures. And I looked and acted pretty normal. I didn’t really like people and didn’t have many emotions, I was blank but still. I wasn’t that bad!

end of the year 7th grade. I was in a hospital room trying to get someone, anyone to believe that I didn’t belong there. my "dad was the problem. Put him in a mental hospital! Jail! Hes done so much to me. I had the knife because I was scared. I stabbed a wall, yes. but he was going off at me and I just couldn’t take it and just started stabbing it. "You wanted that to be him didn’t you? Well that’s not how we solve our problems." But its ok to, for no reason, starve, beat, kill the hopes and dreams of a child. yep. Anyways its not like I would unless I had to. I did cut him once. He was about to break my ribs though. I was behind the door he was pushing. I always had that knife with me so I grabbed and just swung. My brother was his best friend.

Now at the end of 8th Im following society’s rules. everyone loves me and im popular. I hate myself. Earlier this year I was the dark "emo" Kid. Hiding cuts under wristbands up my arms and long black pants on my legs. Hiding pills in hidden pockets, popping them to keep out of my mind. It only took one advil to get me out of it. I took halfs. I had longish colored hair. I always wore a hoodie. Had panda shirts under. Most girls liked me but I don’t like girls. Bryce. IDK why they like me. I was really screwed up. I want it back though. Take away the cuts and drugs. Im everyone now. I liked how I looked. Kinda who I was. I was in a good spot, believe it or not. Now Im in a bad spot. Im back to before my new school. Im depressed. I became what everyone wants and I hate it. I hate being popular.I hate being loved. I want to be me. I changed for my grandparents. they hated it and i had to change. What makes everyone else happy makes me sad. I want to go back to who I was. It was sad but better than this. how do i? IDK how to get back to that point. I cant un cut my hair. Un throw away my cloths. I just want to be me but cant. Help! Im going to collapse into my cutting druggy self If I cant be my freakish self. looks and personality, which has changed somehow.