My life sucked but I need it back. How do I do that?
Posted: January 15th, 2011 | Author: admin | Filed under: Questions | Tags: best friend, brother, dad, dreams of a child, emotions, freak of nature, hamster, hopes and dreams, legs, mental hospital, paragraph, pills, ribs | 2 Comments »IDK why but I wrote my lifes history. Literally. I don’t want to have wasted that time so Im posting it. Just skip down to the end paragraph for the point of it.
I have always been the freak of nature. weird. hated by everyone, even my family. My entire life. I remember kids making fun of me when I was little for no reason at all. My dad making me stay in my room without dinner a lot. I ate hamster food those nights and my "dad and brother" Laughed. I was hungry and that was all I had. I never had friends other than one. I was laughed at cause I was friends with a girl. middle school came and It got worse. I was the reject within the rejects. IDK why I hung out with them. They and everybody else hated me. I was shoved in a box and called sexual homophobic things once. kicked. beaten down often. I didn’t fit in any pictures. And I looked and acted pretty normal. I didn’t really like people and didn’t have many emotions, I was blank but still. I wasn’t that bad!
end of the year 7th grade. I was in a hospital room trying to get someone, anyone to believe that I didn’t belong there. my "dad was the problem. Put him in a mental hospital! Jail! Hes done so much to me. I had the knife because I was scared. I stabbed a wall, yes. but he was going off at me and I just couldn’t take it and just started stabbing it. "You wanted that to be him didn’t you? Well that’s not how we solve our problems." But its ok to, for no reason, starve, beat, kill the hopes and dreams of a child. yep. Anyways its not like I would unless I had to. I did cut him once. He was about to break my ribs though. I was behind the door he was pushing. I always had that knife with me so I grabbed and just swung. My brother was his best friend.
Now at the end of 8th Im following society’s rules. everyone loves me and im popular. I hate myself. Earlier this year I was the dark "emo" Kid. Hiding cuts under wristbands up my arms and long black pants on my legs. Hiding pills in hidden pockets, popping them to keep out of my mind. It only took one advil to get me out of it. I took halfs. I had longish colored hair. I always wore a hoodie. Had panda shirts under. Most girls liked me but I don’t like girls. Bryce. IDK why they like me. I was really screwed up. I want it back though. Take away the cuts and drugs. Im everyone now. I liked how I looked. Kinda who I was. I was in a good spot, believe it or not. Now Im in a bad spot. Im back to before my new school. Im depressed. I became what everyone wants and I hate it. I hate being popular.I hate being loved. I want to be me. I changed for my grandparents. they hated it and i had to change. What makes everyone else happy makes me sad. I want to go back to who I was. It was sad but better than this. how do i? IDK how to get back to that point. I cant un cut my hair. Un throw away my cloths. I just want to be me but cant. Help! Im going to collapse into my cutting druggy self If I cant be my freakish self. looks and personality, which has changed somehow.
Whoo. Sounds like a nightmare. Ok, you were abused. That was totally wrong. Bad news? It has scarred you and you will probably be dealing with issues from it for awhile. A parent is supposed to love you, unconditionally. You were shown, however, hate. Good? You can turn it around and build a different life for yourself. It will take a long time and it will be really hard.
I was emotionally abused and physically neglected by my parents. My mom says the opposite and tries to tell me that she loved raising us. Lies, but I don’t hold it against her. I couldn’t call it abuse for 24 years of my life. I always felt like I was spaced out and was irritated anytime someone would talk about identity and who they were because I thought those were stupid questions to be honest. But it was because I had a long way to go before I could piece myself together again and feel like an autonomous human being. I am still working on it.
Point being, what I am reading from what you have written is that you want to be yourself, but you were rejected for being yourself, it seemed, everywhere you went. Now, you are forcing yourself to be something that you don’t truly feel, and it’s destroying you. You are struggling and looking for integrity again. It feels worse because you are denying yourself, almost like how everyone denied you. You can’t really trust other people’s acceptance of you because the real you, the one who was raised under circumstances that no one should have to go through, is still there. You have to retain your own voice, even if it’s in a journal.
You can forgive yourself. You can give yourself some slack. Everyone wants to be loved and unconditionally accepted. The thing is, you’ve conditioned yourself, or at least tried to.
My advice? Consider counseling. I am not insulting you, you sound really bright and intelligent and you’re probably gifted in many areas. But you need guidance. Guidance that your dad could not give.
Secondly? Forgive those who rejected you in the past and trust that you will find people who will accept your vulnerabilities and integrity.
Wait— did I just read that your Dad put you in a mental hospital? Please confide in an adult you can trust — not just any adult, but someone who will listen to you. Don’t fall back into drugs or cutting if you can help it — those are the same things that you are doing now. Covering up all the anger, shame, and then you will be truly blank.
If you don’t think that’s for you. Here’s my advice: focus. Focus on the next four years. Concentrate on getting into college, the best college, the college you want to go, and freakin’ get good grades, and learn how to apply for scholarships and grants. Do not go into passive mode, you will have to work that much harder later in life. Do not do drugs or drown your feelings in escapism. Write. Pour that energy into something creative. Picture your life as a garden. What is in it? What kind of seeds will you be planting? How will you take care of the weeds? What are the weeds?
You don’t have to be perfect at anything. You just have to like what you do and work hard at it. Don’t let your Dad steal from you a strong will and determination. Guard that with your life.
I think you don’t like your new life because no one ever loved or cared for you in the beginning but they do now……….And you are not used to all this…….I can’t imagine what you are going through and I feel deeply sorry for what has happened to you in the past.
But just because you were used to all that does not mean that it has to become your life.NO! You deserve a much better life than what you are asking for……..You’ve got to move on.I know it’s not as easy as it sounds but at least TRY…….Please……….I know everything will become better.
Good Luck (: I know I didn’t help much but please take my advice seriously.And stop taking those pills.They are of no good.